Frozen into oblivion

I did not even know what I was crying about - was it despondency over the impending loss of reproductive capability? Was it being tired of pushing the repeat button as to my purpose in life? Was it not being to tell Nandy how I truly felt and wanting him to realize it on his own? I felt helpless. Or maybe hopeless. True happiness continued to elude me. I know not what to do. 

Out of where I am

Today is the first anniversary of the day I met you - the one who would never be mine. Today was the time I watched Out of Africa. And I kept on crying - for the one great love she had that never turned into marriage, for the love of the land and the community that she displayed, for her grit in trying to overcome business troubles and for her fesitiness in standing up for her womanhood. It struck me as odd that it hit a chord in my heart, how much I identified with her, how much I identified with her love and longing and how much she tried only to stumble again and again. I am not sure if I will achieve something like that in this lifetime. I would very much want to. 

Cry if you must

The homily hit me hard. It was as of God was saying how dare you question my timing. The priest said treat God like a best friend. And so I ask the Lord, kelan naman po sa akin? Or maybe He is not answering my quesrions because He wants me to rethink. But Lord all I want is peace - of mind, body, heart and soul. I wanted to cry then and there. 

In the cards

The noblest art is that of making others happy. 

- PT Barnum

Rejection is the sweetest joy. I wish the stress at work will disappear. 

This is me. I will rewrite the stars soon.

Unfair

I spent the night with you. I never felt so loved and lonely at the same time. I could not tell anyone except You. I kept on asking why can this not be conventional. Why was I not normal? Why did I always veer off course? Why was I never in love and happy - from an LDR to an SS to an unrequited to a forbidden one. Each one brought me a different kind of pain, a hurt that I had difficulty overcoming. I pray everyday that my heart be okay. But my call never seemed to be heard. Or maybe it was answered in bits and pieces that I could not put together on my own. I think I’ve reached past the breaking point. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

The Dream

Is there someone else? No. But there is the dream of someone else. 

- You’ve Got Mail

Playing tricks

I just said it aloud. And He answered. Direct to the point. What did I wish? To see Bruce. And if I saw him, it meant that I would see Joseph soon. Then right in front of me flies Bruce and even lingers for a second or two by coming back before leaving. I could sense my entire body easing up, wanting to laugh. God really had a great sense of humor and I was always capturing it. But will it be this time?

Circle of life

The Indian priest’s homily today was extra special in the sense that it was his last before going off to his own new parish. He focused on nourishing the body, mind, heart and soul. Everything has to be in sync. In order for me to be complete, I need to concentrate on putting in the good for all those. I know what they are. And I must start now. On this 45th year. And I only have 3 years to make my father very proud of me. 

Discernment

The priest said when you are able to discern God’s will then you will find peace in your heart. How I long for such right now.

Tadhana

There are all kinds of love in this world. But never the same love twice.

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Second wind

Made a resolution to read 4 books a month or a book a week. Just finished IKIGAI: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life by Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles. Never been as energized! After having decided to stay with my current employer, it’s like I got a second wind. Here’s to finding my Ikigai soon and living the life I imagined! 

Gumption nth time

Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend. Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life for God's sake!

Singularity

To achieve a moment of singularity How come it is so easy for others to get what they want How come I never seem to know what I like The certainty of knowing what I don’t like I am tired and defeated By sickness - of the body, of the mind Restlessness beguiles me to no end How I wish for a miracle this Christmas. Tama na ang sana dati.

Our second meeting

I saw Merkel when we came in. You received me at the foyer. You held on to your dog, Frodo. You were wearing a dark blue long sleeved shirt, jeans and brown shoes. Your hair was at its usual mess. You wanted to bring me around but ended up just showing me the gallery of pictures explaining to me that it was the oldest club in the Philippines. There wasn’t much lighting so you decided to just offer me a seat outside where we could talk. You offered me water. So as usual, I was a klutz in opening it, getting wet in the process. But no matter. You wanted to know more about me. I noticed that you didn’t seem to look at me straight. But ai had the same dilemma. I could not really look at you straight in the eye. And so you rambled on about the little you knew about in terms of my relationship with Elbert and Rubie. You did recall it was related to Singapore and that I worked in HSBC. I corrected you by saying it was CS. And then I told the rest of the story. You asked me what I finished in London and how much was the exchange rate at that time. And then we talked more on Baguio, your job, your writer’s cottage in Adams, etc. I asked a lot of questions with regards to your solar products. We also talked about the Pasig river, Baguio’s current state, Mankayan, Sagada, etc. You obviously knew your way around. How I wish I could show you around the city. How I wish I could know you more.

I spotted you

You arrived. I saw you from the corner of my eye. I suddenly became so chatty. But you were with a girl. I could feel myself feeling downcast. The night wore on. The host thought of an ingenious way to bring you near me - a selfie with his wife who was beside me. And suddenly you were beside me. I could feel my heart thump. I could hear a pin drop in my head. I could not really recall what words were uttered but we were finally introduced. I was sitting down on a chair. And you approached me extended your hand and made beso. I couldn’t really think straight. I suddenly muttered you should congratulate him. He won an award. He corrected me by saying the book won. He was right. And that ended the convo. I ended up talking to his companion who was quite nice while he talked to Elbert. The evening ended with them rushing out since he needed to catch the MRT to go to the studio. He had to pinch hit for someone who was sick. He picked up his bag which was so full of stuff and told him Buong buhay mo ata nandyan. And he laughed. He got some of kutsinta on a plate and put it before us. Before they left, we talked about a Japanese bank and the controls they had on my company. And so they left. I sent him an FB message saying I was glad to finally meet up with him and hope he gets to the studio on time. He said likewise and hopefully longer next time. How I wish that would come true. November 9, 2018

The Heart at Peace

The Chairman said - even if you have the most talented or harworking person in front of you, if the person’s heart is not in his work, then it is useless. No matter how much you pay that person, it will never work. It was like a thunderbolt hit me upon hearing those words. And I knew I had to pray harder than ever before. It wasn’t just my physical health on the line. But my mental and emotional states, the peace that I have been longing for. I wanted it badly when I still had time. I wanted it now. Lord will you give it to me soon?

New house

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." — C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity