Frozen into oblivion

I did not even know what I was crying about - was it despondency over the impending loss of reproductive capability? Was it being tired of pushing the repeat button as to my purpose in life? Was it not being to tell Nandy how I truly felt and wanting him to realize it on his own? I felt helpless. Or maybe hopeless. True happiness continued to elude me. I know not what to do. 

Out of where I am

Today is the first anniversary of the day I met you - the one who would never be mine. Today was the time I watched Out of Africa. And I kept on crying - for the one great love she had that never turned into marriage, for the love of the land and the community that she displayed, for her grit in trying to overcome business troubles and for her fesitiness in standing up for her womanhood. It struck me as odd that it hit a chord in my heart, how much I identified with her, how much I identified with her love and longing and how much she tried only to stumble again and again. I am not sure if I will achieve something like that in this lifetime. I would very much want to.