Bring it on

Turkey tasted great. Christmas was spent with new friends. My mother asked me, "didn't you feel lonely?" I answered no. I lied. I never felt so lonely. But I enjoyed being alone.

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. Still I wait. I pray. I hope.

For my alma mater

A drizzle starts and remains unceasing. Dark clouds whittle by and I remain glued to looking outside the window. Peace and anxiety both enter my thoughts. I am afraid and at the same time determined. I realized that harnessing resolve was my dilemma. I needed to wake up. And when awakened, I wanted to smell the flowers. Wisdom builds. I had to be patient.

Joie de vivre

Paris was a blast - a cornucopia of great sights, best food, beautiful people, a laidback atmosphere and a lesson in the art of buying luxury. How I wish I could speak French for I would have lived there! 

A soft spot slowly grows in lieu of a tragic ache. Each day that the distance divides is an additinal moment for enlightenment. There will always be a season and a reason for everything. 

Zero hour

Skipped one tutorial. Did nothing. Now trying to answer practice coursework. Had been holding off on it for awhile. Don't know where to start. Staring at the laptop for hours. Thinking of nothing. Playing Candy Crush. Then still doing nothing. Time is wasted. Thinking of you. Feeling alone. Feeling lonely. Out of focus. Out of touch. No motivation at all. May be it's easier now 3 months down the road. 

The bus terminal

I dreamed about a bus. To be more specific, a bus terminal. Interpretation is there is difficulty in fitting in. Hit the nail on its head I suppose. Historically, I have had difficulties fitting in. I can recall those first school bus rides. I never liked new settings. Meeting people always fazed me. The introvert in me always dictated stay inside your shell and do things alone. The shell is still a tough nut to crack 39 years later. And my dreams continue to be a reflection of reality. 

Confidence boost

The writing teacher said NICE. That's all I needed to hear. 

May 11, 2011

A good friend flew over here to London to spend her birthday with me. She did not want to celebrate it with so-called German strangers. The difficulty in living overseas is definitely making new friends, the ones which last. But at this point, I know realize I have more than enough to last me a lifetime. 

What really struck me was when I was told that I had seemingly abandoned my ex. He was deeply hurt. I was too. But maybe I did hurt him more by not giving him the chance to do anything at all. It's been more than 2 1/2 years. Guilt has overcome me as I do it again to another person, the one whom I now care for so much. 

I have difficulty studying. I am not emotionally prepared to face the challenges right now. If someone would ask me if I am happy right now, I would say no. They would definitely think I am crazy for wasting this opportunity. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know where this will lead me. All I ask for is fulfillment. I did not comprehend that I was asking for too much.