Pain inside of me

Ralph de Bricassart: [telling the legend of the thorn bird to Meggie] There's a story... a legend, about a bird that sings just once in its life. From the moment it leaves its nest, it searches for a thorn tree... and never rests until it's found one. And then it sings... more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. And singing, it impales itself on the longest, sharpest thorn. But, as it dies, it rises above its own agony, to outsing the lark and the nightingale. The thorn bird pays its life for just one song, but the whole world stills to listen, and God in his heaven smiles. Young Meggie Cleary: What does it mean, Father? Ralph de Bricassart: That the best... is bought only at the cost of great pain. So much pain has descended on me last month, the first month of 2018. There weee no job prospects in sight. Then the ex-lover of an ex outed me to a former colleague out of sheer jealousy. Then I saw my elementary classmates feeling all fulfilled and happy with their personal lives. My brother was still depressed. One best friend felt cheated by her boyfriend who turned out to be gay and another best friend was experiencing financial problems. I then find out another friend had an extremely high salary several times higher than me but ended up having no savings. I was the first choice for a fintech job and then 2 days later they tell me I am too expensive. Then they offer a regional role not within my competence. I meet up with a former Singaporean colleague who kept on asking me why I did not apply for the CS role. I went to Bohol and saw how beautiful it was and could not help but think of my lost chance at love. And most of all, I spend time with you the entire day but cannot seem to know more about your life and what our futurw may hold. I knew you would never choose me over your sons. That much I was sure. And now my very first boyfriend is asking how I am and I try hard to revive what we had before but to no avail. I pray for a miracle but maybe just like the blue blood moon, I need to wait for 150 years. I definitely did not have another lifetime.